The Day I Decided I Needed Help

"I have anxiety"

   Assalamualaikum, hi.

   I feel a little bit awkward writing this first entry (I mean who doesn't, right?),

   Here goes nothing,

   

   I am akma. Almost 24 years old (on April 2019), 

  Born and raised in this two massive islands in the middle of Singapore and Indonesia, which I know    many haven't know, or unaware of, 'Malaysia'. *Virtual High Five if you do*

  I'm writing this blog as a 1 of 99 things to save myself (yes, fighting to live).

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  I have anxiety disorder, not diagnosed but you know when you know.

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  I don't exactly remember when it all started, but everything seems to fall into the category since few  months ago. Looking back to those few 'down' moments last year, makes me realized I have these things from then or maybe further back then. I do experiences things I couldn't explained before I know what anxiety is, but then I just keep blaming on myself - "It's just stress" , I thought.

  "Why?"

  I get this a lot. To be honest, "I just don't know". 

  Growing up, I do have bad childhood - I was a naughty little girl. 😉

  People, well most people I know, didn't really know what anxiety is. 

  So, makes it so hard to tell anyone about this, because yes, I look normal on the outside.

  What hurts me most,

  When people I loved, so dear to me, 

  Gave up on me.

  

  It's not because of that person aware of my anxiety disorder. I do try to explained, but - "when they decided to leave, they leave"

  

  It hurts so bad, it dragged me, indulged me in this anxiety mess.

  I cry all night, woke up with swollen eyes,

  and burning chest.

  Some 'things' like this do triggers my anxiety, and when I'm stuck in one, 

  It took me couple of sobbing, sleep and awake to cry again, followed by exhaustion. 

  

  Just exhausting.

  I needed help, but I don't need many help ("yup, complicated").

  Well, that's because of;

   Being an anxiety person, I'm afraid of these none anxiety people can say, 

   Because, instead of helping,

   It makes it worse.

   

   Alhamdulillah (thank God), for the companions I have,

   I did reached out to few people,

   well, when I finally realized I needed help (title).

   They help me, 

   But it's really the time for me to help myself.

   Thus, this bloggg~

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  What anxiety really does to me - or anyone with anxiety;

   

    I found it from Pinterest. 

   Couldn't find it anywhere on Google, but this is definitely what I experienced, like exactly.

   It's hard sometimes, 

   It's easy sometimes.

   

   One day I feel happy,

   The next day, I feel sad and cry all night.

   

   I always thought I have depression, 

   but Alhamdulillah no.

   Depression is much worse than anxiety.

   To you who have this thing like I did,

   It's something worth fighting,

   Fighting to live.

   That's all for the first entry, 

   See you soon,

   xxxx

   -akma