"If It's About Survival, Isn't A Little Bit of Agony Worth it?"

"A little bit of Agony"

   Yes, I know the title is a bit long;

   But something happened these past two days;

   Some agony.

   

   It make me feel like I'm drowning.

   I'm lost.

   Hopeless.

   Agony.

   The anxiety kicks in. 

   I'm left crying alone, in the dark, doze off tiring, and wake up crying again.

   Staring at the fan, the ceiling, 

   It's dark but it doesn't matter.

   

   "It doesn't matter"

   That phrase is agony.

   It hurts so much.

   Yes, the person I loved,

   I trust,

   I thought understood me,

   Didn't care of how I look,

   Was always there when I needed someone to hold on to,

   And now, 

   The person is gone.

   What makes it worst,

   That person choose to make it hard on me,

   And hard on them.

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   But, 

   I can't blamed anyone.

   I did blamed myself - but that person refused.

   I have to survived,

   I have to fight. 

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   It's so agony that I'm crying while driving.

   I cried till my throat hurt.

   The only thing that make me stop crying was,

   The fact that I have faith.

   The fact that I understand that what God gave me this time,

   This trial,

   This gift,

   Is nothing but what He wants for me.

   "God doesn't want nothing bad happened to His servant,

     Even though it feels like you're hurting,

     You're in despair,

     You're broken,

     When He allowed something to happen, He knows for sure it's the best for you"

   A friend of mine sent me this.

   It got me teared up again.

   Something I long forgotten.

   Some facts of God.

   He sent nothing but goodness to His righteous servant (Holy Quran; chapter 16 verse 30).

   It finally make me realized,

   This one bit agony,

   Is worth surviving for.

  ps: To that person (I know you won't be reading this, maybe at all),

        I loved you, annoyed you, makes life complicated sometimes for you, 

        but now, I miss you terribly. 

        I know, God has better plans for us.

        I pray, He makes life better for you. 

xxx

-akma